if anyone actually reads my diary they're probably wondering what the hell is going on and why i keep posting (basically) the same entry.

well, i'm not going to say to much, because there is still teh chance that my sister reads this thing and i really don't want her finding some stuff out... i really don't want anyone i actually know to find stuff out because i feel like a horrible person for what has happened the past day or so...

anyways.

i did something i shouldn't have done, however, i don't regret it.

but i don't know if it should happen again.

the problem is that i want it to.

fuck, i donno...

i'm so fucking confused right now that i could just scream...

however, if i just stop and start screaming, i'll probably disrupt the rats and some of the other people in this lab, and i don't think that they would like it very much.

i also can't scream because that would be admiting to myself that something was wrong.

my life is so fucked up... but it doesn't look taht way from the outside.

yeah, so i took one of those stress test type things in my hd class yesterday... supposedly 150 is a pretty high score... i scored at almost 500. that was before last night when it got about 6 times more stressful.

damnit.

you go all through high school... you know that? four fucking years without a guy, and then all of a fucking sudden...

what are you going to do about it julianne? the ball is in your court... you have control over what happens next.

you know what you should do...

but then theres what you want to do...

it's a little crazy sometimes, but thats how life works, now isn't i?

just a bit...

damn, this sucks more than anything i have ever encountered...

anything.

at all.

i hate this.

a lot.

now i'm fucking pissed off, not at him, or him... it's all my fucking fault... every last bit of it is my fucking fault.

i take blame for it.

but now i need to fix it...

and i'm the only one that really knows theres a problem.

what the hell am i gonna do about it?

i have no fucking clue...

i'm absolutly confused about life in general...

there is only one way to express how i'm feeling... and the only person that can freak out like that is ben, and he's in texas... and i just can't freak out like he can, it doesn't work.

but i need to go... it's time for me to go

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004