Today I sat down and physically wrote about six pages worth of diary entry type stuff in my notebook, and i realised that i need to write about my life and how i'm doing and what i'm feeling or else i will go insane and curl up in my little world and hate everyone and everything.

so heres what i'm going to write

i'm not going to go back and tell everything that has been happening.... my diary is for me and me alone and i really don't care who is reading or why they're reading and what they think of me. i'm writing for me and myself. i'm not going to create a little world where people can go and attempt to look into my world because if i tried to do that i would censor it like none other and it wouldn't be anyones little world, just a make-believe story that someone can read and attempt to make sense of. so here we go.

He doesn't need to worry so much. He stresses over every little thing and it gets to the point where i just want to curl up on the chair and cover my ears. him and michelle fight like my parents. honestly, they do... and it scares me really. i worry that eventually he'll treat me like he sometimes treats her. he can be so wsweet and adorable sometimes, but the problem is that he stresses over everything. it bugs me when people do that. i guess maybe i know that God provides and i don't need to worry so much because it will all be taken care of. or maybe it's cause my parents are still giving me money and taking care of me. I wish that i could make it all better for him, i hate it like none other when people are sad or unhappy or mad or stressed or anything like that and i want to help them. more than anything else i want other people to be happy. maybe thats part of the problem. i wish when hes in a bad mood he would try to get in a better mood. sometimes i feel like it's more me tying to make him feel better and he doesn't want to feel better. it's hard to tell. sometimes i worry so much about what other people are feeling, wether or not they are happy, that i forget myself. if you asked me straight out right now if i was happy i wouldn't know what to tell you. in some ways i'm happier than i have ever been before, but in some..... in some ways i'm sad, i'm tired, i'm stressed, i don't know what to do about it. if i'm not even sure that something is wrong how can i be so sad all the time... i feel like i'd rather hide myself in this tiny little room and never come out. but i know i can't do that. sometimes i just want to curl up and cry, but other times i just want to be happy. he doesn't need to worry about my birthday so much, he was sweet.... other than the fact that he was in a bad mood. and he was so worried about the cake, the cake was perfect, and i love him so much that even if half of it was burnt and the other half still batter it would have been perfect. he's stessing over valentines day. i told him not to but he is anyways. honestly, it would be perfect if he just took me over there, had dinner, watched a movie, did something together. as long as we're doing something together i'm happy. i want to spend time with him but lately it seems like i haven't been able to and it's kinda frustrating. i want to be with him but lately it seems like i'm never with him. i just hope that this weekend i will get to spend time with him and it wont be like when i came back from winter break on friday to be with him and we only spent maybe three hours together that entire weekend. *sigh* this is a huge long rant and i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it.... i feel like i'm pouring my heart out... i can say all of this to strangers but theres no way i would ever be able to say it to him. ever. and that does kind of scare me.... i want to feel like i can talk to him about anything, but theres some things i'm just afraid to bring up. i want him to be happy. i want me to be happy. i want her to be happy. but i get this odd feeling that no one is going to be happy for a very long time.

the thought has crossed my mind to just.... end it. say, thats it, i'm tired of all of this crap.... *sigh* but i can't, i wont let myself.

lately i'm starting to think that maybe life was easier in high school, at least it was less complicated and you knew who people were and who you could trust and you had people there who you could talk to about anything and everything, but now i'm feeling kind of lost.... alone in my own little world that is pullman. maybe eventually i'll figure this whole life thing out.... it's been 19 years and i realise i don't understand it.... maybe by the time i'm 40 i'll figure out whats going on, get the hang of things.... but at this rate i feel like it will be just like the past 19 years... *sigh* i think i must lay down for awhile after i e-mail my teacher with some fake excuse for missing his class.... i really should perhaps go to his class occationally.

<>< Julianne

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004