all i can say is that i've been hurt. i feel like i've been betrayed and lied to. i feel like i don't know what is going on in my life and that i have absolutley no clue what hte next step might be. right now i don't know if i want to go back to school or lock myself in my room at home and ignore the situation until it goes away.

part of me wants to be happy, part of me wants everyone in the whole situation to be happy, but that's not possible. i've been lied to, betrayed... i trusted way to much, and i don't know if i'll be able to trust that way again for a very very very long time.... i want to, right now i just want someone to come into my life, sweep me off my feet and make my whole world better. make everything happy.

part of me wants to make him suffer the way he made me suffer. wants him to feel that doubt, while at the same time trusting more than his heart is telling him to. i want him to hurt like i'm hurting now, and i really hope that she does that to him. i hate writing that down, because i also want him to be happy, at least that way SOMEONE is happy, but why the hell can't it be me that is happy? why the hell did i even GET in this situation? why did i make decisions based on things that i knew couldn't last forever, especially since i was feeling the way i was about the whole thing... did i trust him from the begining? no. did he trust me? no. but i did NOTHING to him that should have kept me from trusting him.... i've never done anything to him that could make him not trust me... but he's done things to me, lied to me flat out, left out important parts of the whole truth. i don't know if i can trust him, or anyone for that matter, for a very long time... it's hard, but i'm going to have to get over it... he obviously has. i can't help but feel like i was used for something.... it's a horrible feeling.

what really pisses me off is that i SAW all of this coming... i knew that there was something going on and i chose to ignore it instead of try and figure out what was really happening. it was obvious to me that first time that i confronted him that there was something going on, the way he got pissed off instead of trying to figure out why i was upset. i should have known...

but now i feel like i'm going to throw up again, so i better stop writing or else i'll make it worse.

<>< Julianne

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004