but i'm willing to put up with shit.

how does that work?

i mean, i want him more than anything and would be willing to give up anything to be with him. but he acts like a jealous idiot, whether he's doing it out of jealousy or not. he's acting like he's trying to control me.

i got another not-so-happy voicemail from him. i should have expected it, i mean i went over to jim's, i get one of those every time i go over to jim's. but i hadn't gone over there in so long i just wasn't used to getting them.

this weekend has been hell.

no, really, it has.

i spent all night friday night waiting for him to call me so that i could make plans for what i was going to do that night.

i stayed home all night, because he didn't call me.

then i managed to spend some time with him on saturday which made me so happy.

but saturday night, i waited to make plans until he called me.... he said it'd be 25 minutes and that he'd call at 11:00. He went to bed, by two i'd gotten no phone call. so again, i was stuck at home doing nothing.

so yesterday when he told me he was going to call me, how was i supposed to believe him?

and then he gets pissed off because i'm not here when he calls me.

it's a double standard, and it's stupid.

so, i went out to dinner with jim. why? well, basically he asked me, "am i ever going to see you again?" because i'd been ignoring and avoiding him for about a month. i was hungry. so i said, "lets go get some dinner." that way he could see me, and i wouldn't be doing anything that would get larry upset... at least i didn't think that he would get upset over that kind of thing.

so i came home, and i tried calling larry for an hour straight.... nothing. he didn't answer. (he told me later that he watched his phone ring.... if he'd just answered his phone.... if he'd just answered then we wouldn't be in this mess right now) but he didn't answer.

so when jim asked me if i wanted to come over and watch a movie.... i was tired of being alone all weekend. Amy was busy with homework, i can't find ashley's number.... i didn't want to sit at home and hope that he could call, i'd done that two nights in a row i didn't feel like making it three. so i went over to watch a movie with jim.

i get home from the movie... and i have a message telling me to have a nice life.

so i call him.

basically, he's telling me that he never wants to see me again because i went to go watch a movie with a friend. yes, a friend of mine that he doesn't like, but still! really! thats absolutly ridiculous! if theres a real reason why you don't want to see me anymore, tell me it, i can handle it... but don't tell me it's because i went to go hang out with a friend that i haven't seen in a long time.

yes, i'd made the promise to you that i wouldn't hang out with him. but saturday night you told me that i could go over there ("it's your life") and that as long as i didn't come knocking on your door for a ride, or stay the night with him, that you would be okay. DON'T LIE TO ME AND EXPECT ME TO CATCH A HINT, THATS STUPID AND IF A GIRL DID THAT TO A GUY HE'D GET RID OF HER FOR IT. so it should have been okay last night, i didn't do anything stupid. i don't drink around him, last time i did i ended up making a mistake (kissing him) and i never want to do something like that that would hurt larry. I don't want to hurt larry and i have never (and would never) do anything on purpose to hurt him. I have never lied to him, even if it was lying to him to "test him" (another thing that is bullshit to do to a person) he has been unfair to me this whole time.... i've been waiting for him, i really have.... but when i realised that i only had two weeks left to spend with him before i was going home.... thats when i started to freak out, and thats when i started to call him a lot. maybe i shouldn't have. maybe i should have just let him come to me.

but would he have?

probably not.

what do i have that anyone would want?

apparantly jim wants me.... but thats just not what i want....

what do i have? nothing...

i give him a month... thats what i was so scared of, that over the summer he'd find someone better than me, it's not hard.... there are people all over the place that are prettier than me, that will do anything he says, that don't whine all the time...

but i thought that he loved me.

right now i don't know if he did.

i loved him so much that i did things that i wouldn't have done with any other person. i trusted him.

yet he never did fully trust me, and i never did anything to not get that trust..... i've never DONE ANYTHING! i don't fucking get it!

i have to go to class now....

God only knows whats going to happen next. please please please let it be good.

damn, i need to do laundry...

<>< Julianne

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004