i don't know what to write about, i just feel like writing something before i go to bed.

the tiger on top of my moniter is starting at me. i'm staring back. hello mr. tiger.

well, thats a little pointless...

i'm waiting to hear back from petsmart, i really want the job there and i hope that they'll give it to me even if i am leaving in three months. perhaps i should go apply at petco and see if they'll hire me....

if not theres always shopko.

blah, i would hate to work at shopko...

so i've been home for two weeks and i'm allready missing school. maybe its just having something to do everyday, or maybe it's some of the people... one thing i don't miss is drama, but i still have a lot of shit to sort through while i'm here. there are a couple of things that i'm feeling that i don't really understand.... right now i'm annoyed that larry has only called me once (and that was 'cause i told him to) but not really, because honestly i expected that to happen. i feel like right now i care more about him and trying to have any kind of relationship than he does. I've talked to jim almost every day (actually, i think i have talked to him every day) and this makes me happy, because right now none of my friends around here are really paying any attention to the fact that i'm here. no one ever calls me when they're doing something and no one ever actually does anything.... hopefully that'll change when everyone else is done with school. unless htey get jobs and decide to have no social life. *cough* jeremy *cough* but i've been tlaking to jim, so i at least get to pretend that i have a life. pretending can be fun... for awhile... but then you have to be serious and realise that things need to be real if they are going to be anything.

i'm not talking about pretending to have a social life anymore....

pretending that everything is okay, and that nothing strange or out of the ordinary is going on is very hard at this point. i'm emotionally stretched out and i don't know what is the best option for me right now. i know that theres one thing that i want, but i know that there is also another thing that might have more potential to make me happy. but no matter what i do there is the potential for someone (most likely me) to be hurt.

i don't want anyone else to be hurt because of something that i decide.

do i want to go with the option that will hurt the least number of people in the least number of ways? that would be the logical choice. I'm always quite logical when i look at these kinds of situations, at least when i'm looking at other poeple. when someone else is making the choice to be with someone or to not be with someone it's always easier for me to look at it and say, "nah, he's a waste of time" or "go for it, he might be one to spend some time on!" it's easy when it's someone else's life! but i look at my life and it's NOT someone elses, it's MINE and it's my problem and my decision and no one else is going to be allowed to try and tell me what to do or what to choose. do i pick the option that will make the highest number of people happy even if it doesn't exactly make me happy? do i pick what would make me the happiest at this very moment not looking into the future more than a day and a half? Do i pick the situation that has the best potential for the happiest future? Do i ignore all of these problems until august and just pick up again at band camp right where i left off? hell, i don't know.... but i need to pick one of these soon...

I am pretty good at being very vauge in this. I do it for a reason. THere are two, maybe three people who i know who have the link to this. One of them, i would tell anything that i write in here. One, i have to keep secrets from because of the possibilty that telling them the whole truth would make them cry, a lot. and then theres someone who i DON'T under ANY circumstances want to know ANY of my personal life that i write down on this very public location....

so i censor a lot of what i write, i mean, all in all i write it for me, not for anyone else. so as long as I know what's going on, and i write enough detail that i will be able to understand a year from now what is going on... well, thats all thats really important, isn't it?

speaking of a year from now, this is what i was writing about and worrying about exactly one year ago...

"blah blah blah. would it be bad if all of the band spontaniously revolted and kicked mr smith off of the roof of the music building?.....

me and amy are going to go crazy geting all this hawaii stuff dealt with along with this paper that is happening, not to mention the map project... blah blah blah.

ouch, head.

17 days until graduation!"

and that is what i will leave you with. considering that i had no idea what to write about

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004