is that what i want.?
Saturday, May. 29, 2004 -- 10:12 AM

It's strange to think that a month ago i wanted to come home. A month ago i was thinking that coming home for the summer would be a good thing, i could focus on something other than drama. But i find myself thinking about drama just as much while i'm home (mostly because I have nothing else to do) than i did while i was at school. The worst part of this is that I'm 200 miles away and can do nothing about it.

I can ask myself the question "what do you want?" and i do ask myself that question all the time... What would make me happy?

Honestly, i don't know.

On the one hand, i could stay with larry, and maybe wonder about paths not taken.... He is special to me. i love him. i want to be with him.

Then i ask myself, what else could be an option? do i even need to be with anyone? do i want to try and work a relationship from 200 miles away for the next two and a half months? Will I be happy when i go back or will i just be unhappy and miserable again?

I don't know. I can't predict the future.

For all i know, me and larry are going to break up tomorrow and me and jim are going to get together a month from now. Or maybe I'll get with some random guy that i don't even know right now. Perhaps I'll get back with Jared. I don't know what is going to happen

and i hate not knowing what is going to happen.

My life didn't used to be this way. Today I am worrying about actual issues. A year ago I was worried about what swimsuit I was going to wear in Hawaii.

A year ago it was graduation that i was worried about. If i knew then what was going to happen to me... then i was worried about the things that someone graduating from high school worrys about. I was worrying about my friends, college, would i meet new friends there? can i actually afford to go to school? what am i going to do with my life?

Hell, i still don't know the answers to some of those questions. And I don't pretend to know what will happen next for me... all i know is that i want it to be good.

I know i don't want to regret anything a year from now. Will i regret a road not taken? or can i just be happy with what i have and not long after something that i don't?

but that's human nature isn't it... I want what i can't have, and i will do what i can to try and get it.

the problem isn't that i can't have something, it's that i don't know if it's what i want.

this is frustrating.

in other news, i got stepped on by a sheep.

<<| |>>

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004

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- Who? -
I'm Julianne, about 5'2, brown hair/eyes and going to Washington State University. I'm home for the summer right now and going absolutely crazy.

- Loves -
My friends! *hugs* my pets, 'specially my rats. havin fun w/ my friends. Music, my trumpet.

- Hates -
Closed minds, people who don't trust me, stupid people who like to be stupid a lot. Ignorant people, long distances.

- Random Quotes -
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
-Douglas Adams

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
-Aristotle

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."
-Aristotle

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses."