But I am different.

For one, I've lost 30 pounds (more or less) and the only clothes I fit into from a year ago are shirts.

For two, I've gained confidence. Like nothing else I've gained confidence. I think I feel the same about myself, but I project a much more confident self to other people. The only people I really try to give any other message are Jim and Larry. Those (lately) have been the only two people I feel like I can talk to. But does that make me any different than I was a year ago?

I mean, in reality I am exactly as confident in myself as I always have been. It's just that now, I'm not as likely to fall into the rut of second guessing myself... maybe that is a contradiction... yeah, i think it is a contradiction. Maybe I'm just more determined to present myself as confident to the people who have always known me. Maybe I'm determined to show them the person that I always wanted to be.

And then to a few other people, that old self comes out... and I whine and complain and bitch and moan and mooch...

Thats another thing that is different. I've had at least four different people tell me that I'm less annoying.

Hell, if this is LESS annoying than I do NOT want to know what I was like before...

It's strange to think of people a year younger than me graduation. Trevor, Matt, Patty, Erin, Ian, Melissa... and how many of them are going to Central or YVCC? damnit! when are people going to realize that Yakima doesn't have everything that they need.

I thouroughly believe that every person should leave the town that they grew up in. Maybe not permanantly (like most people from around here) but at least for a little while, to go to school, to get a job, to meet new people. To me, staying in the town where you were born and never living anywhere else until the day you die is like just accepting what is handed to you. You never have to make a decision, you never have to meet new people, you never have to leave what is familiar. And yes, it is scary. Trust me, I know... it is very scary that first day when you are in the car and on the car ride that never ends. Looking around the next corner waiting for the next part of your life.

Even if this past year has changed me. I am still the same person. I may be more confident in myself, I may voice my opinion way more often than I ever did before, I may be sarcastic. But if I had stayed in Yakima I never would have been satisfied with the person that I was.

Just wondering who else I might meet. What other options were open to me. Yeah, I could have settled on Early Childhood Education and gone to Central and lived at home. But I wouldn't have been happy.

Am I happy now?

thats up in the air.

but theres one thing I know, I am much happier having gone away to school than I ever would have been staying here. And for that I am happy that I went.

Things would have been different, maybe for the better. But then I never would have experienced the things that I have at school. Never met the friends that I have. Never made the memories that I will keep for a lifetime.

I've been told by someone that I just regurgitate things into my diary. And i look back on my entries and see that a lot of it is "i did this today and then i did that" At this point I am going to write what i'm feeling, and what i'm thinking.

This place is mine, I give you permission to read it. But keep in mind, you are reading my heart and my soul. bare. nothing holding me back.

Do not judge me. You may think my decisions were bad. You may not agree with what I believe. But get over it, because it is MY space, and if you happen to be in my space in real life, you may show up on my space on here. don't be offended. just keep in mind that this is what i really think.

My entries seem to wander, with no actual point sometimes.... just what i'm thinking when I'm thinking it.

Congratulations to the Class of 2004. Perhaps you will look back on this week in a year and think about what has changed, and what hasn't.

bye bye diaryland - Monday, Nov. 08, 2004
shit - Wednesday, Nov. 03, 2004
my eye hurts - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
no phone, no internet - Sunday, Aug. 22, 2004
wtf mate? - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2004